Know Thyself
I work with an independent school division head who prioritizes mentoring and supporting her teachers through regular feedback. She and I spent a bit of time recently brainstorming about the people she works with who struggle to be aware of the approaches and methods they use in their work with students and colleagues. When she works with teachers with these difficulties, she has realized that she has to figure out ways to help them develop their self-awareness before she can really help them improve their teaching practice. The big question, however, is can you help someone develop self-awareness; and are there ways in your coaching to approach this work which will empower the person you would like to help?
Self-awareness is certainly a key element in being effective at your work. What is tough about tackling self-awareness, however, is that it is rarely identified by the person being mentored as an area of challenge: understanding one's level of self-awareness is inherently difficult, since it is obviously dependent on the level of self-awareness you possess in the first place. The ability to know yourself and to know how you are viewed by others is key for success. The internal and external mirrors that exist within and outside of us needs to be activated, made shiny and clear, and available at all times in order for any kind of growth and personal development to take place.
When my partner Marcie and I discussed this issue of helping people develop their self-awareness recently, she shared her take on how she approaches the work. She said: “When I identify self-awareness as a challenge area for someone, I typically address it tangentially. In other words, I am unlikely to name it as a goal, but rather try to weave in feedback that encourages particular growth in that area on whatever general topic we are exploring. Asking targeted questions about how her client sees what others might understand or perceive during a particular exchange, for example, will often provide a window into her client’s own self-awareness. When someone self-identifies a particular area for growth (perhaps, I want to be more assertive) I will probe to learn more about how self-awareness factors into the expressed desire. I start with a seemingly neutral question, ‘Why do you aspire to be more assertive?’ The response will often provide clues into their level of self-awareness. Answers such as assertive people get ahead, can be enriched by asking ‘Why do you think that is?’ to try to see where the person is developmentally. Or I might follow the declaration assertive people get ahead, by asking my client to tell me how she or he defines assertiveness. Then I will ask, ‘On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being low, how do you rate your current level of assertiveness?’
When we think about self-awareness we often consider it only as knowledge of our internal workings, and less about how we are seen by others. And, as Marcie articulates above, a vital part at getting to the core work on this potential deficit is to ask how you think others might see you. If someone has listed out empathetic, kind and thoughtful listener on his strengths list, why would he not believe that others see him in the same light? There are many reasons; sometimes we don’t understand the tone of voice we are using, sometimes we add small phrases that take away from our intentions. Whatever we do that interferes with our intended communication is something that we need to know about if we want to grow and be able to take the proffered advice of others. How can we do that?
At SmarterWisdom, we encourage the use of simple, regular and non-threatening requests for feedback from the people we work with. When I was a division head and head of school and seeking feedback on my work, I frequently used three simple questions with the verbs START, STOP, CONTINUE. What should I start doing? What should I stop doing? What should I continue doing? [Here’s an example] Depending on the circumstance, I might have the answers come directly to me, or even better I would ask a couple of trusted colleagues to manage the data and summarize it for me. This was my opportunity to know more about how I was seen by my colleagues. The information was invaluable, and frequently hard to hear in part because my intentions were always good, but as we know, “the road to hell is paved with….” One wonderful thing about this tool is that it is fairly intuitive to use, and if you have others complete it for you it does not take much of their time.
Marcie again: “Once I have a fair idea of how self-aware/how accurately self-aware the person is, I can begin to plan a methodology for weaving appropriate feedback into our conversations. I truly believe that the key to a successful path towards gaining self-knowledge is the developmental readiness to hear and integrate feedback around this issue. The coach's challenge is to assess this readiness and stage of awareness, and deliver feedback that the person can take in and try to leverage for growth. If that happens, the coach can be more direct in naming enhanced self-awareness as an area to be explored together.”
It is Socrates who said: “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” Another step in the journey of self-knowledge, which leads to that wisdom, might be to ask your mentee to perform an inventory of strengths and weaknesses. There are a number of excellent tools out there that might be used. This personal SWOT analysis might be a good starting point. As a mentor or coach, encourage the people you are working with to take the time that these tools might require. If you are the person embarking on this journey of all-important self-knowledge, learn more about how you act in certain circumstances, how you react, and what your follow-up and learning might be. People with highly-developed internal and external self-awareness are rare, but that doesn’t mean we cannot all be on the path towards learning how, often through the guidance and direction of a good mentor. Gaining a baseline account of strengths and weakness is a great place to start.
As you engage in this exploration, one aspect of increasing self-awareness is finding time for different kinds of self-reflection. You might do this through a journal that you write in after any particularly difficult meetings, or challenging projects. You might jot down a note when you get back to your office after an uneasy interaction with a colleague. You might want to write down thoughts after a meeting with your supervisor—ideas or questions—anything to get you closer to the realization that you can in fact find greater wisdom about the work you do through knowing yourself.
Whatever your role in your organization is, taking the time to develop a good sense of what you know about yourself and how you work is very worthwhile. Asking for help on specific projects that you know do not access your strength, soliciting feedback during work that is difficult for you, ensuring that your passions and values don’t blindside others, are all approaches that will make you a better leader and team-member. Even though it is hard to understand what makes us tick on the inside, discovering ways to access knowledge of our inner motivations and drive will provide us with lifelong and useful information and ideally help us know more about how we are seen by others.